The Librarian's Revenge ©

The Librarian's Revenge ©

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The first paragraph of my version of Alice in wonderland

Jolie M.F.Posted by Jolie M.F. 27 Jul, 2009 09:32PM

It was a charming summers day just west of the coast with, a slight breeze which, sent the smell of salty richness from the sea drifting lightly across the neighbouring fields and streaking glitter through Alice’s honey coloured hair, as she lay silently drawing beneath a rather obliging old oak tree. Alice, as a young girl of nine often took it upon herself to venture out across the green moors after school to the peaceful tranquillity of the outdoors, taking with her, her sketch book filled to the brim with elegant little drawing of which, showed promise and was her pride and joy. Her Grandmother once said that everybody has a treasure and to dear Alice that was hers, her passion marked lovingly into every page. At that moment she was drawing one of many wild daisies which, inhabited her lush surroundings. With its creamy petals and orange face, propped up proudly by its smooth green stalk it was a perfect subject but as she finish shading a very strange thing happened.


Posted by Leif Ahnland 28 Jul, 2009 12:29AM

Hi Jolie!

Very good work here with lovely descriptions and a nice "voice" to it. Cool! If you would take a look at some of the commas maybe you will change a thing or two. Try reading the text out loud, slowly and you'll hear that these ones for example are maybe not needed:

"... the coast with, a slight breeze which, sent the..."

Just tell me, as I'm dying to know, what do you mean by your version of Alice? Is it a rewrite or are you thinking of changing things? Anyhow, please keep at it. I think this could be really good for the book actually as we can connect to the real Alice in Wonderland, which is something I have actually thought about doing but not found material for yet. Write more!

The Librarian