The Librarian's Revenge ©

The Librarian's Revenge ©

An Odyssey Into The Wonderful World Of Words

This community is dedicated to C.W. Hewett's epic masterpiece

A.W.O.L with Onions

Joe PearsonPosted by Joe Pearson 01 Jul, 2009 01:05PM

Hello folks!

So, I've been a bit A.W.O.L from the blog recently, and in that time I've seen things you wouldn't believe! Attack ships on fire off the shoulders of Orion... wait, no. I've just been busy is all.

But now I have the pleasure of reading three weeks worth of everybodies work! Which will be fun.

My writing, like my activity on the blog, has also suffered of late, so I'm afraid all I have to offer is this old story about onions...

The following is an extract from Arthur Hunter's Autobiography, entitled "(s)Layers of the Onion!"

Have you heard the rumours? About Haggis? You know, the Scottish delicacy? They live wild on the highlands of Scotland and have one leg shorter than the other so they can stand sideways on hillsides?

Well it's all a load of rubbish, a bastardisation of a different, and well recorded fact.

It is actually Onions that have one leg shorter than the other, and they live in France, not Scotland.

They are members of the Mole family, which live in a specific mountainous Alpine region of Eastern France. These unfortunate souls suffer from a severe skin complaint that cause them to develop far more layers of skin than the average mole. They have tufty noses where the skin purses up into a pointy end, and spend a lot of time underground, (which, I believe, led to the preposterous rumour that they are in fact vegetables).

How do I know so much about Onions? Because I used to hunt the little buggers, that's why. Me and my friends were the premiere Onion Catchers in the Alpine regions. Me, Tom, Andy and Phyllis were a dream team, notorious for being the only Onion Catchers who had NEVER cried.

For you see, Onions are emotive empaths, meaning that they cause their own emotions to be imprinted on those around them. As onions are quite a persecuted species, they tend to cry quite a lot hence onion hunters also get the weepies.

We hunted as a unit, Tom, Andy, Physllis and I. Honouring all the old traditions surrounding Onion hunting. The use of a bow and arrow, for example, to avoid the buggers burrowing underground. We also hunted in the nude, which goes without saying.

The above was the result of an exercise, the rudiments of which I don't remember now, but needless to say it involved onions.

--Pearson