The Librarian's Revenge ©

The Librarian's Revenge ©

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Of Spices and Vodka

EXERCISESPosted by Joe Pearson 23 Apr, 2009 08:08PM

Task:

· Choose two random facts from the book ‘BLABLABLA - Something to talk about when you don’t have anything to talk about: 600 completely pointless facts’.

· Write a short story in twenty minutes incorporating both facts.

Smirnoff is the vodka brand used in all James Bonds martinis.

Pepper is the best selling spice in the world.

Okay, so the "Did you know" appraoch was a bit of a cop out, but hey! You try working with Geoff and Georgie bickering in the background =P

Draft - (I'm too lazy to do an edited version)

It has just been one of those days for Sebastian. One of those horrible days. One of those horrible days behind the counter in his horrible shop serving horrible customers.

It had started when that man had asked him where the nutmeg was, which of course, Seb hadn’t known. The man had walked away muttering under his breath about incompetent teenagers and “things these days”. Seb had been particularly annoyed at him for the teenager comment as he was twenty-one! He didn’t pay his, (frankly extortionate), tax rates to be undermined by bitter and twisted old folks!

It hadn’t got any better when the old lady had split her grocery bag and splattered a dozen eggs in the aisle, which HE had had to clean up). The final straw had come when that stupid happy-clappy upstart twelve year old had tried to make conversation with him. As though Seb had wanted to TALK to the kid!

“Did you know”, the snotty pre-teen had said chirpily, in a voice like nails on a blackboard, “That pepper is the best selling spice in the whole world!”

What is it with people and seasonings today? Seb had thought bitterly, while muttering a suitably patronising, “really…” at the customer, who he just wished would go away.

He had left the supermarket where he worked with a face like a thunderstorm, and headed straight for the nearest bar.

“What can I get you?” the hideously upbeat barman had chimed.

As Sebastian had had such an infuriating day, he wanted to feel good about himself, so her decided to order a drink that suggested he could be an international man of mystery.

“Vodka Martini,” Seb had announced, “with an olive on a stick or something, the more pretentious the better.”

“Can’t,” the barman grunted, Seb was sure he couldn’t speak words of more than one syllable, “We’re out of Smirnoff.”

“But… theres a bottle of absolut right there!”

“Yes, but James Bond ALWAYS used Smirnoff in his martinis, you can’t make a good martini without Smirnoff.”

“Come on, that doesn’t matter!”

“Does to me…” the barman grunted again, “I could make you a G&T…”

Sebastian sighed, agreed, and skulked away into a corner with his not-really-that-pretentious gin and tonic. There was no way this day could get any worse…

AND THEN HE WENT LIKE, TOTALLY MENTAL AND KNIFED SOMEONE WITH A CUCUMBER OR SOMETHING! THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Happy now Geoff?)